Decisions

I remember when decisions were made for me and I hated it. Now, I'm glad to have a partner to make a decision with, or have made for me.
So many things change as you get older. When Dusty and I were dating, our biggest decisions were, where are we going to eat, what were we going to do this weekend, and what do we want to watch on TV. Now, we base decisions off of our marriage-what is best for us as a couple, our kids-where they will go to school, how our decisions effect them, etc. etc. and lately-my grandmother.
Being a live in "caretaker" for my grandmother has been a journey. She had a huge hand in raising my brother and I, and boy am I thankful to have had her and my grandfather. They taught us so much and kept us grounded. She is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet, and makes the best sweets around. Not to mention light fluffy buttermilk biscuits:) While she is super sweet, she is super stubborn. Pretty sure that's where I got my "strong will" She's funny about things being the way and the time she wants. She has certain people that she likes to do certain things. Even though we live in the same house, she wants Uncle Jimmy to bring her paper every morning and feed the dog (which we also feed, so he's happy) Only Jeremy can change light bulbs and do handy work. Abbey takes her to the grocery store. Dad takes her to the Dr. My uncle takes her to Belk's. I get her prescriptions and fight with reverse mortgage companies, and Dusty takes her the mail! She is lucky to have so many people, but really, we are the lucky ones.
As our family has grown, our space has become limited to say the least. We are ready for our own place. This is something we've been talking about since Simon was born. We've talked, prayed, listened, sought advice, and talked some more. Should we buy, should we build, should we rent? Should we even move at all? I promised my grandfather in my last words to him that I would take care of her. Would he be disappointed? This is not a decision that has been easy or hasn't been completely thought out. Probably over analyzed by me. I do think that she is well enough to live on her own. She already does-we just happen to be downstairs.
It's time though. Our family of 4 needs to be on our own. We've decided to rent for now and wait on the market and for $$$preschool$$$ to be completed by both boys before we buy/build. It used to bother me that Dusty was terrified of commitment, but in this case, I think he's pretty smart.
I'll still get to go and see Mammie everyday. Pick up Gus from school and stop by and take her the mail. Pick her up for church on Sunday's and then maybe out for lunch if she's up to it. Gonna be a tough transition for all of us. But I know it's the right thing for our family now.
Therapeutic writing...hoping this helps!

It's just different

Trying to explain to Dusty how a mother's love is different is impossible. He tries to get it, but no man can really get it.
When your child is first born, those cries physically hurt you. You ache to hold your baby and make everything ok. Leaving them for the first time is equally as painful. By pain I mean, your heart hurts, your head hurts because of the cluster of thoughts, the guilt, the concerns, fear and love. All of these things cause true pain. There is no way to describe the bond formed by a mother and child. It is literally indescribable. Growing a human is the greatest gift, but boy does it have it's consequences.
The one I try most often to hide and explain, is the emotional toll. I can not watch a flippin Tide commercial without crying. If there is a child involved, there are tears for me. If I hear a sweet song, I cry. If I hear another mother's story, I'm having a breakdown. Uncontrollable emotions. Then, I get mad that I'm crying. Emotions triggering emotions. Beyond frustrating.
Simon is the sweetest little baby. He takes after his daddy in every way possible. The same blue/green eyes, the same build, the same head shape, and the same tender heart. Granted, Dusty doesn't cry when he's hungry-but he comes really close sometimes. Baby Simon gets his feelings hurt when you take something away from him. He cries when I set him down. He looses his breath when I walk out of the room. I do not get mad or blame him, because I created this. I wanted him to be my little baby. I let him sleep on me as much as possible when I was home...and still do.
I don't mind eating cold food because he wants his mamma. He won't be this way for long. Dusty is going to have pals for life. They aren't going to call me for advice. I'll embarrass them and they'll hate me for making them clean their rooms. Plus all these girls they date will not receive warm welcomes from me. So I choose to take my time with them now, while they still like 'ol Mom. Before they are embarrassed to be seen with me, or near me.
Being a mom is just different. You love far beyond your own boundaries, and then a little past that. You worry about things that are completely out of your control,, things that may not ever happen,, and things that have already happened.

Learning to fit

Ever feel like you just don't fit somewhere? I think I've felt that way most of my life. When I find someone that I really like, I tell Dusty "they're us people." I don't like being made felt inadequate, left out, dumb, or wrong. (unless I'm wrong)

I think of myself as the black sheep of the family. Maybe even a goat, on top of it's house, with it's hooves painted pink...standing out from the crowd by a mile.

While the rest of my family is in real estate, I sell insurance. I love what I do. For whatever reason, once people find out that I am Steve Owen's daughter (& most of them don't even know he has a daughter), they are floored that I'm not working in real estate. I tell them "I do work in real estate-I clean their bathrooms." It just doesn't interest me. I'd probably be better off working there, but I'm ok being me and loving what I do everyday. Point is, I'm happy and tired of trying to convince people that I'm good.

I know that my choices aren't the choices of others. I'm sure I've made wrong decisions and done things a little backwards more than once, but God has led me to where I am and I am beyond thankful for my blessings. So many differences exist, but different isn't wrong/bad. I like making my own way-it feels better. I am to the point in my life that I think most of us get to. It's like take it or leave it. Of course there is always room to work on the better version of myself. Striving for excellence I believe my pastor calls it:)

I don't like being in a crowded, stiff room where I obviously don't belong. I don't like the uncomfortable feeling of trying to fit. I've never pretended or claimed to be something or someone that I am not. I don't need to impress anyone, and I think it looks foolish to do so. Don't compromise your character by playing a part. I've heard people's accent change just by being around someone with an accent. Also, I am not a fan of the fake laugh! Stick to your guns and be you. I can usually tell when I annoy people and I'll get my feelings hurt and turn to anger. But I'm going to be working on that. You do you, I'll do me.

So I guess this learning to fit rant kinda turned into me being me...Square peg in a round hole in most situations-just can't make it fit! I shall surround myself with squares.